A Time to Contemplate Friendship

Written by Brittany Osborne and Seth McDuffie

Amidst social isolation, one thing is for sure: we all miss our friends. The desire for connection and face-to-face interaction exists regardless of age, marital status, location, whether a person is typically drawn to introversion or extroversion, etc. We all long for the day we can once again gather without masks or six feet of separation. This is telling of the value of friendship. 

In the church, marriage is often the human relationship spoken of most frequently, and some would argue it is valued above other human relationships. Marriage is a beautiful, God-ordained, covenantal relationship necessary to life and human flourishing. It is an earthly reminder of the eternal reality that the Church is Christ’s bride and will be with him forever. However, while not all will marry this side of eternity, we all need friends. We feel the need for friendship now more than ever.

Friendships, along with all other relationships, are subordinate to our relationship with God. While the Bible does speak often on marriage and family, it also has plenty to offer regarding Christ-centered friendships. First, we have the privilege of being Christ’s friend. In John 15 Jesus says to his disciples, 

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (v.12-15)

What a friend we have in Jesus! He laid down his life for us. 

In turn, to love God and be Christ’s friend means we learn to lay down our lives for each other. Christ ordained friendship is selfless. While 1 Corinthians 13 is most often read at weddings, it is no less true of friendship. Friendships are a rich mark of Christ’s heart toward the church. We have the opportunity to move toward one another without legal obligation or a promise of faithfulness. Jesus moves towards us and invites us to live in pursuit of others without promise of reciprocation. If we were to focus our hope on the full reciprocation of other’s love towards us, then we would not be able to practice all the characteristics of love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13. Christ models the perfect, selfless pursuit of friendship with his hope set on God. 

Within that same vein of thinking, friendships are invitational and ask others to go deeper in the pursuit of gospel-centered living. Friendships can never be entirely exclusive, blocking others from looking or joining in. There will always be relationships that are unique to the people involved. While these are incredibly valuable and beautiful, they cannot stay isolated. We need to keep the windows and doors of our hearts open to others so we can hear to whom God is leading us. This is not to say we have to be incredible friends with everyone or have a gigantic friend circle, but our hearts are meant to be hospitable. To shut off those entrances would be to self-isolate or create an inbred feedback loop amongst an exclusive crowd. It could also mean not allowing others to peer into our weakness or help expose sin in love. In reality we are often comfortable keeping our doors of hospitality just barely ajar so we won’t feel inconvenienced. Although Jesus had his own close friends who he intimately lived alongside, he did it for the purpose of going out. He eventually left his friends because there was a bigger work of invitation to be done. This is what makes the formation of friendship so precious; it can be found in many places so God’s heart can be shown to many people through his Spirit.

Friendship is meant to be a Spirit-filled activity. As the relational common denominator of humanity, it is a valuable tool to be used by God, which we get to share in and enjoy. Gospel-centered friendships can be one of the first and most effective signs of God’s love for the world. As Jesus said in John 17, “The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” 

During this quarantine ask God where your heart is for friendships. Is your heart open to gospel-centered, sacrificial, and invitational friendships? Do you live your life with a hospitable heart, listening to where the Spirit may be leading? Who in this quarantine needs to be reached out to? He invites us into some of his greatest work in our friendships, because in his greatest work of love we see Jesus laying his life down for us, his friends. 

God: The First Affective Neuroscientist

Written by Nick Lee

It has always been, and continues to be, about the significance of relationship.

When I was in my early twenties and working toward a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, I encountered two related fields of study: affective neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology. In short, affective neuroscientists study how emotion is constructed, symbolized, and used in everyday life. The word “affect” is used to mean emotion; these folks study how emotion occurs at a deep brain level and gives meaning to our experiences. Relatedly, interpersonal neurobiologists study how our brains develop in the context of significant and meaningful relationships in our lives (e.g., your parents, your spouse, your closest friend).

Up until this point in my life I viewed emotion as something that is messy. It obfuscates from the “truth”, which is always rational, and it must be reined in. I saw little value in both feeling and expressing emotion, especially strong emotions like pain, sadness, joy, and fear. I can trace this negative view of emotion back to my family of origin experiences. I grew up in a home where strong outbursts of negative emotions were common, where affectionate love was rare, and, at an earlier than typical age, I learned to take care of my own needs. Emotions were dangerous to me because they left you feeling weak and vulnerable. I wasn’t going to be weak and vulnerable. If someone asked how I felt, I would reply with what I thought. My early template for safe and secure relationships was not helpful. Can you imagine the inner conflict as a young master’s student learning about how the most meaningful relationships in one’s life are inherently formed and maintained by strong emotional bonds? My thinking was the opposite…and I was wrong. 

Affective neuroscientist and clinical psychologist Jim Coan conducted an infamous research study on why we hold hands (you can watch his TedX talk here). In this study, Coan asked folks to come to his lab where he placed them in a fMRI machine and put them under threat of painful electric shock. He did this under several conditions. In one condition, the person was all alone inside an fMRI scanner. If a red X appeared on the monitor, they had a 20-percent chance of receiving a painful electric shock near their foot. If they saw a blue circle, they were in the clear. In the second condition, individuals were placed into the scanner (same red X and blue circle), but this time they got to hold the hand of a stranger. Finally, in the third condition, individuals were placed in the scanner (again, same red X and blue circle) and they got to hold the hand of their significant other. By doing this, Coan was able to look at how the brain registers danger and threat in real time while alone, with a stranger, and with a meaningful relationship. 

The prevailing assumption was that in all three conditions, when placed under the threat of shock, the brain would show lots of activity no matter what. Then, and based upon who is or isn’t holding your hand, you would see the activity decrease more slowly or rapidly. That’s not what happened. Instead, if you were holding the hand of your significant other your brain didn’t see as large of spikes in activity like the others. In other words, the presence of a safe and emotionally secure relationship, through simple hand holding, told your brain that you were in less danger than the others. 

Coan didn’t stop there. He put the significant others in the fMRI scanner as well, asking the question, “What is going on in my brain as I watch my wife under threat of electric shock?” Here is where it gets amazing—my brain looks EXACTLY like hers, even though I am not the one under threat of electric shock. 

Coan sums it up this way: with increasing levels of emotional connection, safety, and interdependence, our brains become yoked as one and we share emotional resources with one another to say we are in this together. We lighten one another’s load emotionally and this happens at a very deep, brain level.  

These processes I just described did not happen by accident. This was intentional and bears the mark of our Creator God, who Himself is relational and calls us into increasing levels of interdependence with Him and our brothers and sisters in the Church. God was the first affective neuroscientist. He authored and fashioned the process by which relationships are forged through emotional experience and increasingly levels of interdependence. 

Collectively, we are sojourning through a season of life where it feels like we are in one big fMRI scanner right now under threat of a painful electric shock. Some of us feel alone. Some of us feel marginally connected to others. That ache you feel for connection… That longing you feel for reassurance during uncertainty… It was by design to draw us into God and toward one another. It has been, and continues to be, about the significance of relationship. I pray you feel the Savior’s hand wrapped around yours in this season of uncertainty. 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you fill find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11: 28-30; ESV)